A Tale of Two Circles
We were called to a middle school to help with a conflict involving 11 boys in fourth, fifth, and sixth grades. The boys had been friends last year, but had now split into two camps along ethnic lines. They were constantly harassing each other, using racial slurs and other insults. There had been some punches thrown. Their behavior was steadily escalating and was affecting the entire campus and spilling into the neighborhoods.
The First Circle
The first circle included the boys, Restorative Resources’ circle keeper, and a school safety officer. We used the standard restorative questions to give them a chance to clarify the situation, describe how they were affected, and what they thought was needed to make things right.
While most of them agreed that the conflicts were “dumb,” the main solution they came up with was to “ignore each other.”
The circle lasted about a half hour. When the boys left they got about 20 feet outside the door of the room in which the circle had been held, and immediately someone called somebody else a name, and the insult was answered, and it nearly escalated into a fight.
The Second Circle
The second circle included parents, an interpreter, and several school personnel. The hostility was palpable.
The parents chose seats in the circle that were clearly segregated along ethnic lines; on one side of the room was a row of Latino parents, several of whom spoke only Spanish; and on the other side were Anglo parents, about an equal mix of men and women. Anglos outnumbered Latinos about two to one.
We explained we had not gathered to assign blame, but to work together toward shared understanding and finding solutions. We explained that as circle-keepers it was not our jobs to find solutions; it was entirely up to the group to find their own solutions.
First Round
Using the talking piece, each person was asked to respond to the question “What ways to encourage your child to behave have you already tried?” Each parent spoke to this question at length. Many also spoke about their frustration and confusion with the overall situation. They were very aware of the conflicts and some acutely felt the potential threat to their children, and also expressed concern for the other students as well.
The Latina women expressed concern about racial content in students’ remarks they had heard about. The Anglo parents agreed that this was an issue and was inappropriate. They all wanted the misbehavior to stop.
One of the Latina moms said that when she went to another campus to pick her child up after school an Anglo woman she didn’t know yelled at her, saying she had no business on the school property, or in the country, and told her to leave immediately. The mom cried profusely as she shared this story and how frightened and humiliated she felt.
There were many moist eyes in the room as all the participants empathized with the suffering being shared. The woman who had spoken concluded by saying about the circle, “We needed this years ago… why is it only happening now?” By the end of this round all the sense of hostility among parents had evaporated.
I then explained to parents that when the students came in I would be asking each parent to share how they have been impacted by the students’ behavior. I explained the difference between this approach and the more typical approaches of scolding, punishing, counseling, rewarding, etc.
Second Round
Students were seated so that no two were next to each other. We now had 34 people in the circle. I gave the boys a few guidelines and brief summary of why we had gathered. I explained that for the next pass of the talking piece, they were only to listen.
Parents eloquently shared a variety of ways in which they were impacted.
One of the most touching and powerful moments came half way through this round, when the talking piece was passed to one of the Anglo mothers. She leaned forward and, looking at the Latina moms through teary eyes, said that she had been a poor role model for her child, and she apologized. She said that her behavior would change from that moment.
In this round other parents also apologized to the group, either for their own behaviors or on behalf their children. Several parents cried as they shared. Several of the boys cried as they listened.
Third Round
By now the boys had a new understanding of how they were affecting not just their parents, but other parents as well. It was their turn to speak.
One after another, they shared that they were sorry they had caused so much distress. They demonstrated that they had come to a new understanding of how their actions were affecting others.
At the end of this round, one boy said, “I think we should all shake hands,” and stood up, walked over to his former “enemy,” and held his hand out. All the other boys rose to their feet.
While their parents sat in a circle around them and watched, the boys shook hands with each other, shared apologies, and in a few cases embraced. We closed the circle with another brief round.
Follow up
A few weeks later I visited the principal and asked her how the boys were doing. “Much better,” she said. “They’ve had a couple of conflicts, pretty minor stuff, but you know what? They’re taking care of them themselves.”<
"The power of a restorative circle is in the process; and it is the structure of the process that creates change...
...not the facilitator, whose job is merely to create and hold the space for the process to unfold."
--Dominic Barter